In the Eyes of a Doorknob

Keep in mind I wrote this when I was very young! It’s horribly written but I’m just fascinated by the kind of wild imagination I had. 

Dear Cousin,

Yes, yes, don’t bite my head off (not that I have one), I know it’s been long since I wrote to you but it’s so busy being a bathroom doorknob. I mean, most of the day these petty humans keep the door locked so it’s hard work for me, ya know. And then the discreetness in which we have to send each other messages… God forbid if the humans should ever find out the truth about us.

Now there, don’t ask me why I sound so sour; watching someone poo doesn’t put me into the best of moods. And not do I have to only watch that disgusting sight, but right on the other side, little Johnny is trying to imitate his elder sister dancing. It’s a sight, alright. I really can’t beleive humans, they waste so much precious time in such stupid stuff. Oh and the sins they commit in the bathroom [I’m shaking my head (well not literally)]. It’s just this one door… just this slab of wood that stops them from revealing themselves. Think about it, cousin, the door falls down and: wala. Or more realistically, one of them – suppose the big sister – forgets to lock the door, her brother comes along (and of course I’d save him from the sight, but still) and yanks the door open. Pitiful, they really are. I have reasons to beleive that these species have no brains in the big heads they carry around so proudly.

Well, I guess I’ve said enough now. You see I have a very busy and somewhat amusing life so bear with me when I take long to reply. You asked how I was, well I’m trusting that my letter will reveal just that or else I write like a human. Do tell me how life is down the hall. I bet you don’t get to see as much as me!

Your Cousin,


Dear BD,

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! At this very moment I am listening (and trying not to watch) grunts and howls and moans… don’t even ask what the beautiful sight is.

I’m glad to hear that you have such an “interesting” life, but honestly, bedrooms are more exciting than bathrooms. Now, now, don’t contradict me. I may sound wrong, but I tell you: I have the experience. I wouldn’t want to corrupt that innocent mind of yours so I’ll just leave it to you to find out what I mean; if you ever can. Not everyone gets to be the doorknob of different types of rooms.

Surprise, surprise! I am the doorknob of the door of the room of the very person who makes your mood foul and dark when she poos. I know what you mean by her not putting you in the best of moods. And then I have the pleasant view of her parents bedroom when they choose to leave their door open. *sigh* You have such a lot to learn.

You do need to learn how to cheer yourself up, maybe I better start giving you lessons. Here’s your first: 1) Stay happy. 2) Stay happy. 3) Stay happy.

Alright, alright, I was just imitating your favourite humans, but seriously cheer up! Life’s too short to stay grumpy, so lift up those, um, locks and smile.



(I’ll leave it to you readers to find out what BD and TGBD stand for! x)


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